A year in review, but really, a decade

group kisses

So, 2014 draws to a close and 2015 is upon us. Soon, I’ll have a birthday, then a 6-year-old. and then I will have been with my spouse for 9 years…. I’m not just looking back on 2014, but back on a whole decade….

You see, 2005, 10 years ago, is when life began to really develop for me. I was a floundering 26-year-old, working 2 shitty jobs and still having to write  hot checks to cover bills. I was flailing through life, bumping and scraping and tumbling, having crappy relationships and taking 0 care of myself in most capacities. I was depressed, stressed, and my unhappiness showed in every corner of life.I really thought life was always going to be a big fat shit sandwich. A casual friend essentially gave me some out of the blue powerful words at a time I needed them most, and slowly, surely, life began to take shape. I got a good job, I went to burning man for the first time, met a network of people who eventually led me not only to chosen family but allowed me to create my own family. I got my first apartment with no roommates, I gained enough work experience to parlay it into a well-paying job. A year after the conversation with the casual friend, I had completely catapulted my whole life in a magnificent direction.

So 2015 is the 10 year mark. From one humble phone conversation, now, I am a wife and mother, and homeowner. I drive a car that wont fall apart and leave me on the side of the road. I have a modest savings. I am in a position to help others and I try to, often.

I’m blessed with two creative, spirited, and sharp minded little girls. I have a spouse who is the gentle guardian of our family. The Ludo Rock Monster of my heart. He works hard for his family and is a happy and positive person. He makes me feel safe, secure, and loved as I am.

All this has allowed me to get out from under the funk of depression, anxiety, panic, and apathy that has plagued me as an adult. I belong. My needs are met. I am no longer afraid to make plans for the future. I am truly and profoundly grateful.

2014 was a wild ride. We had a rough start with dental surgeries, illness, injury, and then we found out we wouldn’t be able to send my oldest to school in the fall. I began strategizing on solutions, and built a school at home. I worked hard on making connections with other schools, parents, etc to get the social and educational needs met, and in the process made some tremendous connections. I proved to myself that I can get the job done when it comes to homeschooling. I m confident I could do it again if I had to, and I enjoyed the freedom of it a great deal. I worked on making my home run like a well oiled machine. I climbed out of the fog that is the first few years of parenthood, and really hit my stride, making budgets, calendars, meal plans, and social engagements flow with ease. And when my oldest showed me that she needed more than I could provide through home schooling, I did what I had to do to fix that, and got her enrolled in kindergarten after all.

In order to do that I needed a job. I had been writing for a handful of parent centered blogs for free for a while, and then started picking up the odd paid job here and there. But I finally scored big time with a job working for an actual in-print independent magazine. It earns enough to pay for my daughters school. Like, the exact dollar amount. If that’s not a big thumbs up from the universe, I don’t know what it. I asked for it and it came to me. I have to work, from home, about 15 hours a month on the writing job. But its well worth it.

Another boon to the year came in the form of my growing bond with my good friend, and now, sister, T. Her family and my family are now close, we are close, we are on the same team. I feel like I have functional family I can count on. I don’t know I’ve ever had that. It’s nice to know someone has my back, wont let me slip between the cracks, and that allows me to help her out and be needed too. This year really cemented that bond and its wonderful.

I met a lot of new people, I let go of others. I continue to occasionally struggle with panic, depression, catastrophic thoughts, daymares, and PTSD. But my estranged family has kept their distance for the most part. My panic is manageable. My depression doesnt overwhelm me and whisper nasty lies in my ear. I tell it to shut up, and I get on with life. Its a victory I don’t take lightly.

Ten years, Ten consistently decent years, in a row. I’ve worked hard, and I’ve been very fortunate. I aim to keep the ball rolling. I’ll hone my witchy skills and keep manifesting those things I need to continue. Thanks to everyone in my life who makes it possible for me to do so.

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